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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25119691">On The Other Side Of Fear</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katia_chan/pseuds/Katia_chan'>Katia_chan</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Yasha will cut you if you touch their wizard, bonded by trauma, introvert pillow talk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:54:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>942</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25119691</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katia_chan/pseuds/Katia_chan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Caleb wants what Yasha has. Yasha thinks he's very, very wrong about that. But maybe a little bit not.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>78</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>On The Other Side Of Fear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first Critical Role fic. I admit that it's shameless self-indulgent angst between my two favorite introverts. And I also admit that I don't care. It's also not the most elegant thing I've ever written; I just wanted to try it out. Hopefully it'll still be enjoyable. I really wanted sweet friendship fic, because I love this ridiculous damaged found-family. I hope you enjoy. Also, like, I don't remember how much dome-time the Nein have post-meeting-Trent, but just work with me; it has to have happened sometime.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I'm jealous of you, you know, in a way."</p>
<p>Yasha turns from her watch at the edge of the dome, her eyes finding Caleb in the dark where he sits, long fingers trailing over Frumpkin's back. He's not looking at her--that wouldn't have been strange before, but he has been making better eye contact these past few months, as he's grown more confident. But now he's staring past her, and his eyes are somewhere else.</p>
<p>"Why?" She hasn't been making a lot of eye contact these days, either. And even though Caleb has never leveled a bit of blame at her for everything that happened under the chantry, she still feels herself brace, a reflex to deflect whatever condemnation is coming.</p>
<p>Caleb doesn't answer her for a long, long time. So long that she thinks maybe he fell asleep sitting there. But his fingers keep moving, stroking the cat, and she doesn't prompt him. She understands; they both take their time to speak, and there's no point in pushing.</p>
<p>"The other shoe has dropped, for you." It is a soft whisper in the darkness, and the yearning in it takes her by surprise, and breaks her heart. "Your past has been hunting you, and finally it caught you. And--and that was terrible, I don't mean to say it wasn't, But..." She hears him take a breath, "But you are free, now."</p>
<p>"Free?" She snorts, and finds herself angrier than the comment probably warranted. That's been happening a lot lately, too. But his panicked intake of breath eases the quick flash of  rage. She can barely see him but she still knows it was a full-body flinch, and the slight tremor in his voice confirms it.</p>
<p>"I don't mean... f-free, just that... you have been waiting for the worst. And it... it happened. Those who have hunted you, they are... they took you, and now they are dead. And that part is over. Not the rest... but that part."</p>
<p>She thinks, after a pause to consider, that maybe she understands. She doesn't miss much with Caleb, and he hasn't been the same since their meeting with Trent Ikithon during their trial. He's been on the run for a long time, but that encounter must have been a potent reminder that his tormenters were not only close, but empire-sanctioned. They knew who he was, where he was, and probably worst of all, they knew he had people, stupid, well-meaning people that they could use to hurt him, just as he had always feared they would. Their meeting with the assembly hadn't banished Caleb's demons; it had merely dragged them closer to him. And even worse, he was expected to work with them, to rub shoulders with those who had destroyed his childhood. All the while knowing that at any minute, they could strike. He might not know how, but all of them knew it could happen. She knew him, but she hadn't realized, until that soft frightened whisper, exactly how much this had been plaguing him.</p>
<p>"You can grieve now, and heal... I would... like to find that place, someday."</p>
<p>It's a child's whisper, a child's wish, and it makes her ache. Especially because what he wants isn't real. She could tell him that, that it's just another kind of fear once you've gone past that point, fear of rejection, of loss. But what kind of monster would she be, if she took away his hope that there was a time, somewhere in his future, where it might be a little easier? The too-perceptive mage had found a blind spot of blissful ignorance, and she couldn't take that from him and still call herself his friend.</p>
<p>Anyway, it's not as if he's even entirely wrong, when she thinks about it. Yes, she's afraid of what she's done, afraid of her friends, afraid of their judgment and blame. But every time that fear rises in her, there's Beau, or Jester, or Caduceus, or even Caleb himself, to talk her down, to say kind things, and to keep saying kind things even when she doesn't believe them. She has constant, soul-deep terror, but she has people beside her that have the authority to banish it over and over again, as often as necessary, because they are its source and its defeat. She knows they would all like to do the same thing for Caleb, but his demons are outside, and not yet in their reach.</p>
<p>She wants, abruptly and uncharacteristically, to hug him. As awful and painful as her life after captivity has been, she wants him to have it, wants him to have the whole uncertain terrifying confusing beautiful mess that is her new existence. She wants him to have the peace that waits once you've passed all the way through the fire, the one she hasn't totally accepted, but will someday.</p>
<p>She doesn't hug him, because she knows he doesn't want it. Instead, she reaches to find his hand in the dark, and wraps his thin fingers in her large ones, and holds on tight.</p>
<p>"You'll have it. But not like I did," she whispers, very softly. "I won't let you find it like that.. For you, it will go another way. But it will come. I promise." She won't let them take him, use him, won't let them destroy him. It's like Caduceus had said --  there wouldn't be enough left to bury of the first person to try. It had sounded a little ridiculous, coming from the wispy cleric. From her, it will not be so humorous.</p>
<p>He says nothing more. Neither does she. He holds her hand, and they sit.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you enjoyed this. I'm a bit shy sticking my nose into a new fandom, and shamelessly motivated by positive reinforcement and comments of any kind. So please say hello. :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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